Near defeat

The Women's Race. Wow.

This was the most challenging race I have run thus far. Even my half marathon was not so challenging. One thing that it did confirm was that I am definitely not a warm weather runner. It was very hot and humid Saturday morning. I really had been dreading this race altogether for some time, but I had registered for it a long time ago, when I was still gung-ho about running. Since I had paid my money and told everyone I was going to run it, I figured I had at least better show my face. I was incredibly nervous, but I went.

Before the start of the race I chatted with a few of the runners I know, which calmed me down a bit. But as we lined up at the starting line, I just did not have a good feeling about things. I always look around to try to identify people "like me." I like to try to find my fellow back of the packers so that I can feel comfortable in not being surrounded by former track stars in their matching sports bras and short shorts. I have been surprised before though when the people I think are going to be as slow as me are actually much faster, so I only put a little bit of stock into my identification. The race director gave the Ready, Set, Go signal and we were all off running. I kept in pace with those at the back for a while, but could feel myself fading back quickly, especially when I began to feel the heat early on. I began to walk at about the 1/2 mile marker for just a minute at a time at first and then that gradually increased to running about 2 min, walking 3 min...running 2 min, walking 5 min...and so on.

By mile one, I was so emotionally beaten down that I seriously considered quitting. It is amazing how powerful the mind can be! At first my brain was trying to convince me that quitting is a perfectly acceptable thing to do; plenty of people quit during races due to heat and pain and I should not feel so bad about it. Then it would turn on me and try to convince me to keep running/walking because if you quit, you cannot wear the cute tanktop (see photo below) from the race and when everyone asks you how you did, you will have to own up to your failure. You will be miserable. I took a minute to stop, pull off to the curb and think about what I should do. The course was running a 2 mile loop around a lake twice to complete the 4 miles. There is a trail that cuts a slightly shorter return route back to the finish line than the race route. I thought about just walking the trail back and giving up. I actually began to walk onto the trail to head back until something in me realized that the walk back on the course would be only slightly longer than on the trail. What if I just stuck it out along the course, completed my first loop and THEN decided if I wanted to continue!? So I got myself back on course (in dead last position) and waddled my way along the route. As I approached the finish line area, the lead runners began to lap me. About 5-7 women finished the whole race before I even completed my first 2 miles.

A friend of mine, and a great runner, was one of the lucky (and speedy) women to finish just before I passed by the finish line. She called out to me with a "Good job, Jessica!" Although this is really just a little thing and only one piece of encouragement I received during the race, it made a huge difference. This same woman struggled through her own self-doubt last April during the Boston Marathon. She nearly gave up during that race many times, but somehow made herself stumble to the finish to complete what was probably her toughest race. I had to finish. So as I was letting all of this sink in, the waterworks began. I was just beyond mile 2, dead last and sobbing like a child. It must have been just what I needed though because I pulled myself together and began a really nice, comfortable pace of running and walking. I was in the groove, I could barely feel my legs and they seemed to be working on their own. It was kind of shocking and amazing, but I let it happen because I was certain that this was the only way I was going to make it through the next 2 miles. Around mile 3 I passed the only 2 girls ahead of me that were even reachable by that point. I thought: Oh my god, if I can keep up this pace, I wouldn't finish in last place!

I found every last bit of strength inside of me to just keep running/walking and to keep ahead of those 2 girls. Before the race, I had set myself the goal of finishing in under an hour. I didn't care if I finished at 59:59, as long as it was under an hour, I'd be happy. As I got to the finish line, I realized that the clock was at about 58:00. Holy crap, not only am I finishing an impossible race, but I am NOT finishing last...AND I will beat my goal time!

After collecting myself and taking some fluids I walked to the picnic shelter where the other runners were hanging out. I found that woman whose own struggles and encouragement pulled me through the race and I thanked her for what she unknowingly did for me. We both cried a little bit, it was nice.

Even tough the "cute tanktop" is a little too tight on me, I will still wear it with pride. I earned it.